A State of Restlessness

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Today, my heart was beating fast from fear. I could feel my hands get colder and my insides contract. It’s akin to the fear that I’m doing something wrong and I’ll very soon pay for it.

What’s this fear? Let me name it here: I am troubled by my seeming lack of goals. My goals are either absent or not big enough.

I look at myself and see how I’m too comfortable at the moment—very much content with where I am. I am okay. I am in one place keeping myself still.

That should be a good thing, right? But it makes me feel ashamed. Being this comfortable feels like I’m settling into a state of mediocrity. And mediocrity terrifies me.

This may be misconstrued as paranoia (and perhaps, it is) but an intuitive restlessness has always been my secret driving force. Knowing that I’m not doing enough propels me to do more and surprise myself.

You’re free to tell me what my husband will: Give myself a break. Relax. Enjoy the moment.

I will listen for two minutes, and then find cause for panic again. (I know. Welcome to my weirdness.)

How can I shake myself from this state of contentment? I feel like I must pause and write down crazier, bigger, scarier goals. I need to look up and far and get myself running towards another horizon.

My husband and I are migrating to a new country soon and I am “retiring” from my corporate job to pursue a career change. These transitions are exciting inasmuch as they are eye-opening. The pause from the corporate day-to-day forces me into a deep self-evaluation.

I’ve wanted to improve my running and swimming, do more yoga, take more short courses to conquer new skills, eat healthier, invest more, build more connections, read more books, earn more money, get ridiculously fitter, and be better prepared for all the changes coming our way. I can also do more to be an awesome wife and daughter and aunt and friend. Cook and bake more. Teach and volunteer more. Write more.

And I’m only just beginning to put things down.

There is a long list I can choose from. Pick a few, magnify them, give life to them, and be specific about the results I want. Time to get serious.

If you are like me, let me know how you jolt yourself into identifying new goals and working for these to get even bigger. What stimuli do you invent to push your aspirations to a higher and more difficult level?

How do you effectively challenge yourself to go the extra extra extra mile?

At what extent is “comfortable” a negative thing?

Also, when do you say “Enough.”? That this is fine? That you are fine? That you’ve done well? Wait, is it even acceptable to say “Enough.”?

Restlessness, you old friend. I see you’re here and brought your bags.

(Photo credit: Adbusters)

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